Back in October of 2017 I went to 2 blogging conferences. One was in Ohio and the other in Texas. I was convinced that the reason why I wasn’t successful in blogging was because successful bloggers went to conferences and made connections. I hadn’t gone before because conferences are expensive and I’m terrified to travel alone. I get lost easily, am afraid of crowds, and enjoy being at home.
I thought it would help my family so I went to these conferences anyway. I met a lot of lovely people and really stretched my comfort zone. I learned a lot. Mostly what I learned is that making a full time living blogging requires more than full time hours. It requires hiring staff and creating a real company that feeds a lot more people than just us. Blogging was more than writing encouraging or educational articles. It was professional photography, script writing, filming, editing, scheduling social media posts, running chat groups, a constant presence on social media, SEO optimization, production calendars, scripts, affiliate marketing, recruiting sponsors, buying and selling advertising and a whole lot more.
I met lots of people who were successful, but they all had something in common: sacrifice. Some of them lost marriages, some of them lost themselves to drugs or alcoholism, some of them lost their kids to the world, some lost their friends. Their brand depended on Looking happy and successful on the outside while life was crumbling around all about them. They talked about the people they lost like you would talk about a cancer that was removed. Oof….I wasn’t down for any of that. I also met some people who truly kept it together but the blog became a family affair. Husbands became photographers, video editors, computer programmers, or social media experts. It was hard to determine when the work day began and ended. It was never ending. My husband emotionally supported all my goals, but didn’t have an interest in personally getting involved.
I was trying to build my blog business to save my husband from his accounting career that he chose for reasons that no longer applied to us and didn’t really enjoy. But when I really looked at our situation it became clear to me that he didn’t WANT or NEED me to save him. In fact, he was much happier going to work and having clear production and end of work day boundaries then he ever could working from home as my assistant. When or if he decides he’s ready for a career change, he is more than capable of making that change himself. I will be right behind him cheering him on in whatever his goals become.
Going to the conferences was supposed to help me to build a successful business in blogging, but instead it convinced me that I didn’t want to do it at all. I tried to hang on for another year for the sake of my meal planning service. I even enrolled in personal training school thinking the certification would help me grow my recipe service. But then something really scary happened.
I was fixing dinner one evening in December just before Christmas 2018 and called my kids to the table. My 2nd son was in 7th grade and usually came home from school and went straight to his room for a nap. When he didn’t come to the table, I went up to his bedroom in the attic to wake him. He wasn’t there. He wasn’t anywhere. I PANICKED. I asked everyone in the house if he had come home from school and no one knew. I called every friend he had to see if he had gone to their house. I called his bus driver, his school principal…everyone I could think of. I sent my oldest son up to school to look for clues while I waited at home in case he showed up. I posted on my personal facebook page asking for community help to look for him. Eventually we exhausted all our own resources and called 911.
The 911 dispatcher asked me if my son would hurt himself. “NO!” I insisted. But then I realized every parent must feel that way. What if I didn’t really know my son? What if he was hurting and I was too busy chasing my dreams to notice? What if he was dead? I leaned over the side of my front porch and said, “I’m going to throw up.”
The dispatcher said, “Ma’am, Ma’am…stay calm. Stay with me.” He told me to stay home and he would send a police car over to take my report. Except he didn’t. He never called it in. I stayed at home waiting for a police officer that would never come wasting precious hours that I could have spent looking for my child. I find that part hard to forgive, but through the grace of God I have forgiven him.
Soon, friends were on my porch organizing a search party. Another friend called a police officer that attended church with me and knew our son. He happened to be on duty near my neighborhood, so even though he wasn’t officially dispatched he used his skills to begin searching. I didn’t know he was on the job and was still home waiting for a officer.
The police friend started at the main road and drove back and forth across every neighborhood street between there and our house. In the darkness, a block from my house, he spotted my son. He pulled his patrol car up beside him and rolled down his window. In his stern voice he said, “Dub, where are you supposed to be right now?” Dub looked up and burst into tears. Dub got into his car and the officer called my cellphone. “I have your son; I’m bringing him home.” Those are the sweetest words I will ever hear. I still cry when I think about that moment. It is forever seared on my heart. I am aware that not every son comes home, that he was at high risk, and that it was my fault.
Dub had stayed after school for Christian Club. He woke me up that morning to remind me, because the club doesn’t meet every week. I wasn’t quite awake and even though I responded to him, I didn’t register what he said. After club, I didn’t come. I was taking another son Christmas shopping without a thought that I was supposed to be there for him. Everyone left school, even the staff went home, leaving my son there alone. He didn’t have a phone and we lived 6 miles from school. He waited 2 hours for me. It got dark. He had a full backpack, his clarinet and a heavy coat under his arm and he started walking home.
He crossed the HIGHWAY on foot and walked down main roads. He passed gas stations, fast food restaurants, lots of businesses, but never went in to ask to use the phone. He said it was “too scary.” Many of my friends saw him on the road but didn’t recognize who he was. It took 3 hours of physical walking to make it to the place where the officer found him and all the while I can imagine he was thinking that we forgot him, didn’t love him, didn’t care.
The next month, we did the end of the year books for my meal plan business. There was good money potential in it I knew, but I had trouble with the advertising side of things and would need to hire more help to make it profitable. Darren showed me that I was earning less than $1 an hour after expenses and explained the sacrifice the family was making so I could chase that dream. I instantly let it go. I refunded every subscriber their remaining balance and closed the service. Without the meal plan business there was no income to pay for the blog tools, email services etc…so I canceled them too. For the first time in years, I felt free.