Something came up this weekend and made me change the way I parent. It wasn’t something new, but it was the final straw. I’d had enough and things were going to be different.
My oldest daughter was having trouble finding something to wear for church, and she was searching in a closet full of beautiful dresses. Dresses, she picked out, and I purchased for her with a very limited family clothing budget. She was close to melting down and yes, it was about more than a dress. It was also about cooking the perfect Mother’s day meal and making the perfect Mother’s day surprise. Plus knowing that her boyfriend’s parents were coming over to join our Mother’s day celebration and wanting to make a good impression. It was about singing in the choir loft where the whole congregation could see her, and taking on the stress of trying to be an adult when she isn’t quite there yet. (I feel like I need to tell you that I was helping her with the meal and everything else, which just seemed to make her more upset, because she WANTED to do it all by herself to make a very special day for me.) It all added up and equaled “nothing to wear.” I hope other Moms of teenage daughters can verify that this is normal.
It wasn’t an isolated situation and it wasn’t limited to her. Her sister a few weeks ago, begged for a reasonably priced pair of jeans at Costco. You can’t try things on there, but their return policy is excellent as long as you leave the tags on. She cut the tags before trying them on only to discover they didn’t fit. I was panicked. “Let your sister try them on.” They didn’t fit her either.
“Calm down, Mom.” They said. “We’ll sell them. It will be fine.”
“What do you think you could get for them?”
“$1-2.” They looked happy. “Then we’ll use the money to buy jeans that do fit.”
I said, “I bought brand new jeans for $12 and you are going to turn around and sell them for $2?” They were cheap jeans from the get-go….but still. This is bad math. I had to leave the room before I said anything more. The air was thick with my frustration.
I’ve noticed a pattern that when I buy their clothes for them, the items end up in the garage sale pile much too soon. Or relegated to the “nothing to wear” section of the closet. Or just tossed on the floor and trampled on. I tried to prevent it by asking them lots of questions in the store: “Is it too tight?” “Is it comfortable?” “Do you like the way it looks from the back?” “Are you SURE you are going to wear this?” They promise they will, but then don’t. Sometimes I think all my questions just sowed seeds of doubt that blossomed into full grown confidence busters once the clothing gets home. Parenting is so hard. Being a teenager is hard too.
The best solution I could find is to turn it all over to them. I handed them each an envelope with their portion of the monthly clothing budget in it. It’s $20. In June they will get $20 more and so on. That $20 will make the $12 pair of jeans look a lot different in a few months. Right now, they feel rich. They said, “Oh Thank you! That’s so generous of you!”
I didn’t feel very generous. I reminded them, “That will have to cover your underwear, bras and socks. Swimwear, school clothes, formal wear, shoes.”
“Yes! We understand.”
“You can save it from month to month until you have enough to do something with.”
“Yes, Mama.”
They know the glories of thrift stores and garage sales, and we recently discovered a lovely consignment store near us as well. Perhaps they will discover the joys of selling to the stores as well as shopping there. Perhaps they will learn about Ebay or Craigslist. Perhaps they will learn to sew. I’m not sure. It’s up to them now, and I’m kind of excited to see what they do with it.
P.S. While this feels like the perfect solution right now, it was really hard for me to do, because I’ve never divided the budget evenly among the family members. I always used the money in a lump sum for the people who have immediate needs, like athletic shoes or longer pants, and fill in the gaps with hand-me-downs from brother to brother. Now my lump sum is $40 smaller each month, but I think the educational experience will be worth any kind of adjusting I need to do on my end.
I started giving my children their own “budget for clothes” when they reached the age of 10. My oldest daughter let me know’ “I know what you are doing……..you are trying to make me RESPONSIBLE!”. However, it made them very choosy about how they spent that money. It made a huge difference in their decisions and has helped them, at 38 and 41 to be good money managers with their funds. This was the first step in money management for the girls….helped them make their own decisions – which is a very important trait. Many people just cannot make a decision – this is what leaders are made of.
I love this, Gina! I’m so glad to hear it worked out that way for your girls.
Costco takes anything back…tags or not.
Renee, What?! How did I not know this! Thank you.
Renee is right! They will even take back opened food your family doesn’t like! They have a very generous return policy 🙂
This is such a great idea, and has come at the right time for me. I have 2 teenage girls, and it is amazing how flippant they are with clothing. My eldest (15yrs) is better and tends to buy things for a purpose. But my 2nd (13yrs) is all about the now! She’ll get excited about a sale rail of summer clothes in the Autumn! UK Summer is for such a short time and last years short would still fit.
For their birthday they have been gifted a more expensive item – usually trainers! But I’m thinking if they had their own clothing budget, it might help them in the long term
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Please keep us updated on how your daughters do with their decision making process. Do they earn money that they can use to help buy their clothing? We don’t do allowances but my kids can earn money by doing commissions.
Since we consider clothing as part of how we care for them, we are giving them the money. They both have jobs outside the house that they earn money with and can decide if they want to use it to supplement their clothing budget. They do chores around the house, but we don’t give them a commission for them it’s just being part of the family. We’ve never had the money to do allowances or commissions for the kids, but instead ask them to work outside the family circle for money. Our now 10 year old started at 8, offering bedroom cleaning services to other kids. He has also earned money picking up black walnuts and sweet gum balls in the fall, and painting fences. I think the idea of commissions is a good one, we’ve just never figured out how to implement it with the size of our family and the limits of our budget.
Thanks for claryify. Our kids have some chores that they do without getting paid. If they want to buy something then they can look at the list of commissions jobs and earn money. To make things easier all of the jobs are 50 cents. We have taught our kids to tithe first and then save half so they have to do a lot of jobs to earn spending money. So far it has worked well but our kids are between 6-13.
My son was the same way but with sporting items. Always lost gloves, needed more cleats, etc. I did the same thing, but added up everything minus food that he is given a month and it is transferred to his debit card. He has to buy his gas, clothes, and any extra he wants. We did have an argument over socks, which I gave in and bought, but they are a once a year thing for him, so I didn’t feel too slighted. It has made a HUGE difference. Lost gloves have become an “oh well” and one pair of cleats has lasted 2 years. Amazing how that works. He has also decided that he can survive on a very limited wardrobe and instead has purchased more expensive clothing (suits and dress shirts/pants) for his job. It was the best decision I ever made.
I love this! Thank you for sharing how it worked out for your son.
This is a fabulous idea. I hope you will update us as to how it is going. I need to start this with my children, as well. Great idea, mom!!! 🙂
Thank you, Lisa! I’ll keep you posted.
It’ll be fun to see how your girls do!
Here’s our variation: when kids enter high school, they pay for half of their clothing items.
(Once they finish high school/turn 18, whichever is later, they’re on their own with clothing,transportation, as well as books if they’re in college, entertainment, meals and coffee out. They live at home and commute to university or community college, and we pick up tuition costs after scholarships. One kid spent a year in an apartment near campus with friends and while it was a valuable learning experience, he realized he could have bought a car for the money he spent on rent and utilities and is returning home this month! )
Since we support our high schoolers in having jobs (either driving, or subsidizing transportation when they drive) we find it fair to expect them to pay for their own entertainment and meals out as well as part of clothing. Oh, and we are so nice as to foot the entire bill at the thrift shop (unless it’s an unreasonable item or quantity). The catch is we have to have some involvement with the purchase. Usually it means just being out shopping together, but sometimes it involves parental advice along the lines of ” you already have a lot of sweatshirts but I noticed your jeans are all on the short side- maybe look at pants instead?” Paying half makes them think twice about big ticket items and they definitely try their stuff on! If they want to shop on their own, they are free to buy whatever they want with their own money!
We do discuss long term goals like car, travel– they make their own decisions. It’s been interesting to see the different financial paths our children have followed! Some spend all their money, then learn better… the thriftiest thrifted most of her clothes, was unexpectedly gifted a car after taking a semester off college to care for her elderly, just-widowed grandfather, and made other smart decisions resulting in a five figure nest egg while she was still in high school!
Just wondering how this has worked out. I hope you’ll post an update soon!
I will. Thanks for asking!
Update–pretty, pretty please??? 😉
I do this too! It’s amazing how much thought goes in to every purchase 😉
Yes! I think the key is not giving them too much, but still giving them enough. I’m not giving them enough for sure and am trying to figure out a way to fix that.