When I was thinking about the things I want my daughter to know before she leaves home, I made a mental list of the fastest way to clean X, how to make bread, how to fix a zipper etc…then I realized those are all things she could google. What she really needs to know is stuff that I’m still trying to grasp. Things like “everybody struggles.”
About 6 years ago, we drove a few hours north to go to a family reunion. My husband’s cousin invited us for an impromptu tour of her home that she had built with her husband. I offered to give her a head start and she looked at me like I had 3 heads. Her home was ALWAYS ready for company. When we walked in it looked like a show home. It was spotless and perfectly decorated, even the kid bedrooms. I left my shoes outside.
As the tour progressed I made a mental note of the things I could change in my routine to make my home always ready for company. When I got home, I chunked all those ideas in the trash. Honestly, we could barely make sure we had clean underwear with the size of our family and the number of commitments we were involved with. I felt like a failure.
The next year, our cousin left her family and filed for divorce. Her daughter was in jail on drug charges. Everybody struggles. The truth is life is hard. What our home looks like is not a barometer on our overall success and happiness with life. It’s a tiny part of the big picture.
All we can do is our best, with margin for appropriate rest and balance. God doesn’t expect us to run faster than we have strength. There are seasons in life that are harder than others and it’s so tempting to judge our performance in the hard season with someone else’s in their easy. It’s like a marathon runner, sweating and out of breath, looking at someone cheering from the sidelines and saying, “oh man, she’s not even sweating.” Then thinking of herself as a failure.
That said, there are habits and skills when formed in the easier seasons of life (childhood), that will make the hard seasons a tiny bit easier (3 kids under 3.) We’ll talk about them too in a future post.
Hi Angela,
this was my first thought on “before she leaves”. You can learn every hard skill by watching, reading, repeating, but what makes the difference are the soft skills.
Having a controversial conversation without hurting your relationship with your partner, friend, employer while keeping your principles is something you can only learn through example and practice.
That`s just one of many benefits your child can get from you and nowhere else.
Keep the posts coming, I truly enjoy them, Katja
So so true! I live in an area where lots of people have big, beautiful homes and appear to have it all perfectly together. It’s hard not to be envious of their “perfect” lives, but then you find out there are marriage troubles, etc and realize the craziness in a loving home is much more important than the size!
Thank you for your post. Your posts are always heartfelt and real, and encouraging. I look forward to what else you plan to share on this topic.
We are struggling here mightily, but we have little victories some. We have a daughter that got mixed up with a bad boy who talked her into getting “married” but there is no marriage license. They had a fake ceremony, and unfortunately she is Not married. Our hearts break for her as we know life has some really horrible lessons ahead with this. God wants us to follow the laws of the land, as best as we can. (Romans 13:1-7). He follows the teachings of Michael Pearl with No Greater Joy ministries who advocates No marriage licenses. (it’s on his webpage but you have to dig for it)
The same daughter got pregnant with her first child and they wanted to do a home birth. Fast forward through a lot of tears and worry, and there is now a dead grand baby. When you use techniques from 1910, you get the same results as they did in 1910 even though it’s 2016. We know our daughter is in an abusive situation, but there is nothing we can do about it except pray.
We have had an elderly family member we cared for, now in a nursing home. We have had to empty her home, sell it and get rid of the contents. A horrible job I would wish on No one.
I’m facing some health issues and was told when I can’t take the pain in my knees anymore I need to get both knees replaced. I can’t handle this at this time! Trying to do PT exercises and loose some weight. I’m some better but I have to loose the weight. Say a prayer I can do that! (I did loose 10 lbs so far which probably has helped.)
The one thing I have learned through these trials that I NEVER even wanted to live through is that there are lots of people suffering. God uses the suffering to teach us. We will continue to stand for truth and right. We will hold onto God even if we are left with only the crumbs from the table. There is a day that all tears will be wiped away and I look forward to it. I’m so tired of crying and trying to function with a broken heart.
I have gotten a lot of encouragement from Paul Tripp. He has a good short talk on You tube: When suffering enters your door. He says: If you’re not suffering now, you’re near someone who is. And if you’re not suffering now, you will someday. How prepared are you for that moment when suffering enters your door? This is so true! Worth the 5 minutes to watch it. (christian counselor guy)
So needless to say, our home has fallen apart over the last 2 years with all of this. I have been trying to put it back together and using the Flylady routines. Still not there yet, but things are better than they were 4 months ago. Going to just keep trying. Yes, we still have 3 at home and home schooling one so it is tough along with some financial challenges too. But God is still good and HE still answers prayer! So I just keep trying. God Bless!
Oh Emily, I’m so sorry you are dealing with all of this, and at once! You are so wise that prayer is your strongest weapon right now. You are under so much stress that your adrenal health is at risk. Try to take good care of yourself. I’m saying a prayer for your family today.