Going to church with my children has been my greatest joy and my greatest challenge. My methods have changed from when my oldest daughter was born 10 years ago and how we manage things today. When I realized things weren’t working for me I sat down and thought about what my goals were in taking my children to church and what was stopping me from reaching these goals.
My desires for my children
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To associate joy with church
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To love and worship God
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To learn more about the Holy Scriptures and God’s plan for their lives
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To build godly friendships
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To learn new hymns and scriptures
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To feel God near
Why wasn’t it working?
1. The children were hungry and tired–big church comes right at lunch time and nap time
2. They distracted each other–hugging, kissing, and poking soon turned into screaming and wrestling
3. If I brought books, snacks or toys into the sanctuary…
a. They quickly went through them and wanted more
b. They made a mess with everything
c. It distracted them from getting much from the service
d. It distracted those around us
e. The older children wanted what I brought for the baby
f. I lost my cool quickly from sensory overload (too much visual movement, noise, and things bumping into me)
4. When I took all things away, the children started to hate coming to church.
5. They used bathroom breaks as an excuse to leave the service.
What does work?
1. Bringing a snack for everyone to eat before entering the sanctuary. This keeps blood sugar levels stable and helps the children control themselves. They learned noone would eat upstairs, not even the baby–except for nursing with a cover.
Here are some things I’ve taken for snacks: cheese and crackers, mozzarella cheese sticks, sliced apples, peanut butter finger sandwiches, wheat thin crackers, homemade bread, muffins, bagels, grapes, raisins, animal crackers…
2. I take them all potty and to get drinks before the service and let them know they won’t be leaving the service for these reasons.
3. When we sit on the pew I carefully order the children so that the ones that are ornery aren’t together.
4. Not bringing a lot of toys or books for the children. It keeps their entertainment expectations low.
5. There are some things I make sure to keep with me for those tough moments. They are ordinary looking things, not labeled as toys. It helps them be more interested if they think it’s something real. Here’s a small list:
a. A mechanical pencil for each child and if they start to fidget I let them doodle quietly on a scrap of paper before it turns into a discipline problem. (If I wait until they have been really naughty to hand them something it’s like rewarding their bad behavior.)
b. A small photo book in my purse with wallet size snapshots of family and friends
c. A handkerchief to roll up as twin babies in a cradle. I couldn’t find any instructions online so here’s a little video how to do it.
d. Chap-stick
e. Hand cream
f. Band-aids and Kleenex eliminate 2 more reasons for getting up
6. Also there are small things I can do to help the children stay focused.
a. Give them a gentle hand massage
b. Illustrate the sermon on a bulletin
c. Help an older child make a list of words they might hear during the sermon. During the sermon when they hear a word on their list, they place a little tally mark. It really keeps them listening.
d. Fold the bulletin into origami while they listen. I only know how to make a boat, but it works.
7. If my very small child (less than 2) gets fidgety I’ll stand in the back and hold him. A change of view usually does the trick.
8. And I’m not above having a little sweet tart treat for the children that don’t have to leave the service for discipline :).
f. After church I try to stay long enough to allow them to talk with their friends or run on the lawn a little bit.
Does it really work? Well, it works better than anything else I’ve tried. If you’ve sat near me during church, you’d know it’s not a perfect system. The children are still children and we all get weary and short tempered and sometimes I have to leave the service with a toddler under one arm. But they do grow and learn…and so do I. I’m so glad church is a place for sinners to find the grace of God :).
We have found that making sure certain children do not sit by eachother helps a great deal as well. With 6 kids we have some personalities that don’t mesh well in a quiet environment, so from the moment we get to church we try and arrange everybody in a way that prevents disorderly conduct, so to speak. It usually works, and with mom and dad strategically placed between the children we can sometimes make it the whole hour without any major catastophes!
Just wanted to say– I enjoyed this blog entry- I am new to your blog– but have enjoyed it…
We just started attending a family intergrated church about 15 months ago– it has been a challenge for ALL of us– but the Lord has been good– and we have ALL grown in many areas—- I wouldn’t go back for anything—
God Bless you and your family this Lords Day.
Oh boy…I SO needed this blog entry!!!! I am still leaving my 3yr old back at home while I go to church. Which means if my husband is home he can stay with him, but if not, then one of the older boys has to stay back with the 3yr old and then they miss church.
He simply cannot sit still ANYWHERE and he doesn’t know the meaning of whisper. Everything he says is in LOUD volume.(No…really!) But it gives me hope to read your blog today….so thanks. Lisa
Several months ago I was asked to share a testimony during our Sunday AM service, and I wound up speaking about this very topic.
I had to actually stop going to church for a time because it became so difficult when my girls were very young. As we didn’t have a staffed nursery and as my husband doesn’t often attend, I spent many, many Sundays going home in tears. That wasn’t good for any of us, especially as I started to truly resent the whole experience.
However, part of being a good Mom was in knowing when it was time to go back. We started when my youngest was two, at first attending just Sunday school. (Although we do use a religious preschool, where the Bible education is actually better than it is in Sunday School.) When they adjusted to that, we started going to the regular services.
Now we take a ‘church bag’ with us each week – packed with just a few simple toys and books which they are allowed to choose – and I share a pew with another Mom who’s husband must work on Sunday mornings. All of the children know to take direction from both of us, and have learned to sit quietly during the entire service. It’s been a blessing!
It also helps that our congregation now has a children’s segment during each Sunday morning service. That really gets their attention and helps them to learn!
I do enjoy reading about your Sundays with your children. One of these days when I come home, we’ll definitly have to get together!
Angela, you have great ideas! Along with clever distractions like these, I think the single most important thing is making sure children know that you expect them to behave. So many people believe their children simply can’t sit still or remain quiet, so of course they don’t!
This needs to be taught to the younger mothers. It is tough when your quiet infant suddenly becomes a toddler with full energy and noise. You give great advice that usually works. We also tried the word tally game for our son when he was in school. He loved it. Also writing down the scripture references helps keep them listening. Love your blog!
I really enjoyed this post! We have just begun “church training” at our house where I play a message from my iPod and have the children sit quietly with one quiet toy each (they are 6 and 4). This really helps me with my non-verbal communicationwith them 😉 and for them to know exactly what is expected. Thanks again for the great tips!
Good to hear ! I can relate to the sensory overload. I take 4 kids to church by myself. they are 8, 5, 3, 5mos. It can be work. My 8 yr old has learned to sit and listen to the serviec. however the 5 and 3yr olds get bored fast. one will use the bathroom to escape the service. If the baby gets fussy, then what? all of us have to leave for the nursery 🙁 Oh, well things are improving. Some of your tips I haven’t tried, but soon will. thanks
Those are great suggestions – very helpful to those with younger children, or those who are transitioning children from the ‘entertainment’ of nursery or children’s church into the worship service. We had a hard time with our son, who our doctor calls ‘the poster child for ADHD’ – it was a challenge! We practiced sitting at home often and used a lap weight ( small rice bags in a fabric tube ) to help control the wiggles. We also prayed about it with the children and asked God to help them be attentive and focused so that they would learn and grow in their faith. God has blessed our faithful perservance, and as the years have passed, our children have developed a deep love for God and an enjoyment of corporate worship. Our son, who is now 10, sits in church better than any place else – he still has ADD and doesn’t take meds, but he knows that with God’s help, he can be part of our worship service, not be a distraction to others, and be an example to the younger kids who seem to really like him!
Excellent advice, as usual, Angela.
Our number one technique is to sit on the very front row. Most people don’t want to sit there so it’s usually easy to get a seat. And it seems easier for the kids to behave if they’re right under the pastor’s nose. Our service starts at 10:55 and ends around 12 or 12:15 so we’re not there during a particularly hungry time, but it’s getting there. I need to do better in getting to church early enough to use the bathrooms and have a drink beforehand, although I usually just say no to those requests and no one has peed in church yet 🙂
I am very blessed to have my husband in church whenever we go (if he’s not available I don’t go either) and I am not sure I would be able to handle it by myself. My kids would be up to it but I might not be.
I really appreciate all these original ideas, Angela. We have been at a wonderful age-integrated church for the past 7 years, which takes a lot of pressure off, (most other parents there understand all too well when we have trouble with our youngest), but I still find new challenges now that my youngest two are very energetic boys!
When my husband is with us, we also sit in the front row, as Lindsey does. It cuts down on all the visual distractions very well (and we try hard to keep our little ones facing forward, to help minimize the distractions for others). Dh has to work on an occasional Sunday, and we usually sit in the back then, since I have to leave more often with one or another. (Our young boys behave much better when dh is with us.)
These are some great ideas, thanks!
Wonderful ideas! Thank you so very much! Oh how I wish we had a family intergraded church in our area. There is never a Sunday that I am not gently reminded that there is a nursery available, but I just think families should worship together; not the parents in adult church, the teens in teen church, the kids in kids church, and the babies in the nursery. I’ve been trying so hard to teach my little boy to sit still in church, slowly but surely we are getting there!
Thank you so much for the suggestions. We have two girls under age two and have been trying to come up with a plan of action for services.