Thursday I promised to tell you a simple secret that I believe prevented my brother and I from rebelling as teenagers.
From the time when I was about six my father would have talk time. After prayers when we were tucked safely in bed, he would come and sit beside me in the dark and talk and listen. And then move to my brother’s room and do the same.
Sometimes we would talk about what I did during the day, or he would tell me a story from his childhood. It didn’t really matter what we talked about, just that we talked. There was 1 rule: I had to keep my head on the pillow. No propping up on elbows to visit better. This was not only a time to build relationships, but to relax and encourage sleep.
Also, I don’t remember ever being chastised during this time (except for reminding me to keep my head on the pillow.) It was a time that I looked forward to at night.
These things made me content with in my family’s rules as a teenager:
1. I had a voice and was heard.
2. I had a close relationship with my parents because we talked.
3. When I asked for advice, my dad would always reply, “What do you think you should do?” And after we discussed all the options, he would reply, “Whatever you decide, I know you’ll make the right choice.” And he left me to that choice and the consequences.
4. My parents had very high values, but not strict rules. They didn’t require that I dressed vastly different from my peers as long as I was modest. They told me as a child that I could date when I was 16 and when we learned about courtship when I was 15, they left that decision up to me.
5. I felt that they respected my individuality and tried to deal fairly. If I felt a decision they made was unfair, I could appeal to them to reconsider. They would hear me out and though it may not change their decision, I felt my views were fairly considered.
I didn’t need to rebel, because I had relationship and acceptance at home with people who valued my intellect and opinions. And part of that relationship was founded in talk time.
What wonderful Parents!! This is something I would definitely do for my kids. My mom and dad used to kneel by our beds every night and pray for me and my brother.( I was supposed to be asleep by then).
We’ve been doing something similar since my first daughter (now almost 3 years old) was first beginning to talk well (around 18 months or so). At the end of the day, when she is in bed, we just talk to one another (about anything) and listen. We review our day and use the opportunity to encourage our little one in the godly choices she made that day. We don’t really talk about the ungodly choices, unless she brings it up. It is my favorite time of the day!
this is wonderful advice…sometimes its so easy to just tell them what to do from our own mistakes we know…thanks for great words of wisdom…maybe i can do this with my 3 younger children…xxx
Angela, your item#3 really resonated with me. It’s so important when parenting to assist a child in making his own decisions so he can experience the natural consequences of his choice (with increasing freedom to do so as the child gets older, and within reason, of course). If the consequences are negative, then that serves as a powerful lesson to that child that he’ll remember down the road. That’s how children ultimately learn how to become responsible adults.
Angela, my childhood was similar. Mom and Dad would give my brother and me both at least 30 minutes apiece each day to download how things went and just talk. We’d do 90% of the talking. It was so good for us to have undivided attention. We even hung around to hear about each other’s days, too and then mom and dad would have their turn. If it was “grown up talk” we’d be excused to go do something else but often we could hang around and drink it all in.
Just wondering advice on what to do w/siblings who share a room. I can see in personalities one brother dominating and the other feeling in the shadow. Such a great idea. Thanks for sharing.
Kathryn, all of our children share a room with someone, but they still look forward to talk time. I take turns which bed I sit on, but make a point to draw each child out in the conversation. I ask them questions calling each child by name. If another child tries to answer, I just say, “Your name’s not Heather.” and they get the point. They also ask follow up questions during talk time. My children feel free to ask anything during this time and we’ve had some “birds and bees” conversations especially since I recently had a baby. I just talk about it comfortably like it’s normal (which it is) and holy (which it also is.) I often preface sentences with “God designed”; “God intended” or “God planned.”
We did this when our children were little and then as they grew up and became teenagers….they would sometimes crawl into bed with us and tell us of all their days events…good, bad and ugly. Sometimes my dh and I would fall asleep listening to them….especially when they came home very late LOL. They too once and a while would fall asleep in bed with us. Mom always squished in the middle. I think because of those things, it has kept our relationships very close and our children always feel they can talk to us about anything no matter the topic.
Great post.
what beautiful comments!! i think i will start this with my very difficult to get to bed 3 and 5 year old. my husband and i are too busy sometimes tho we try really hard to balance it all. i wonder if they would go to bed better if they knew that “talk time” was what they had to look forward to!! they both LOVE to gab ! thanks for the idea and lovely stories!
Thank you for sharing this. This is a gem that I will hold onto as my young children grow!